Wednesday, September 22, 2010

OP Symptoms

       What have I done? Quitting a job with a maxed out credit card and a Line of Credit the size of the CN Tower. Even the CN Tower required 1,000 workers to take on the freestanding building. I would consider my debt to be bigger than the size of the world’s tallest freestanding building. But, I definitely didn’t have a large amount of laborers tucked away in my pocket to hammer away on my enormous debt.
            I required some backup to help me out of my devastating situation. I needed something that would relax my nerves before I ventured back into the cave of doom; aka my house. Although the combination is extremely deadly, it always seems to sooth me like a baby craving milk from its mother. I call it my homemade remedy; a large coffee with milk and sweetener and one light Belmont cigarette. My remedy had gotten me through many stressful late-nighters during my University years.  I knew right now, it would definitely hit the spot. I had kicked the habit when I had started dating a vegan last year. He was extremely cute in his extra tight Levi’s jeans and I was extremely naive to think I would deny my love for hamburgers.  Who wouldn’t prefer a juicy Angus burger with ketchup, mustard, lettuce, onions and whatever else fits between the buns? Although I had managed to alter my diet with more leafy greens, I just couldn’t commit to a meatless-man. Plus it doesn’t seem right to date someone that may have a hotter butt in a pair of jeans than me. Which girl wants her boyfriend to have more butt-stares than she does? I believe there is only room in every relationship for one hottie and I was not going to settle as the beast.
            I sat on the park bench with my overindulgent self and contemplated what I was going to do. Alcoholics attend AA meetings every week; I wonder if my community center has OP meetings for Overindulgent Personalities? My current financial situation wouldn’t allow me to splurge on private classes or even a personal mentor that I constantly watch on HGTV’s Intervention.  My case of OP would be considered extremely rare in the human species - the attraction to materialistic items especially luscious, sewn fabrics.  I need medical care to cure me of this disease before I end up begging for change holding my purple Chanel purse instead of a tin cup! At least I would be a classy street beggar and less frightening compared to others. Everyone knows that a person with a classic Chanel has exquisite taste and class.
            As I took my last drag I could still feel my heart pumping away in the pit of my stomach. I know I needed something else… an OP symptom: constantly having the need to satisfy myself; constantly wanting more. DANCING! What else cheers up a girl when she’s down, but dancing? The beat of a congo drum can always get your heart pumping. When I start to move my feet it just gets my mood right up. And it always helps being the best dressed girl there, having all the guys drool over fabulous me. Although I may be broke, I still know how to party.  It was time to call the troops in for back-up and I needed heavy artillery before I began to have a nervous break-down. The Lieutenant of the party brigade and always in command: the infamous Sam, or after an infamous summer, Eurotrash Girl. Need I explain why she is the Lieutenant with a name like that? You never know where the night will start or as a matter of fact, where it will end when Sam is in command.  I just need to have a few drinks and totally forget about this whole jobless situation. Liquid courage was also a great assistance when having to crawl back into the cave.
            I sent out a BBM, since phone calls will be left to a minimum because of the cost. I felt like Batman’s butler Alfred shining the Batman symbol into the night sky in need of rescuing Gothem City.  All I needed now was my catsuit to transform myself into a superhero and rescue the male species from the constraints of the unstylish femme fatales that plague the nightclub scene.  But I must remember: when I slip into my telephone booth I best pick the costume that shows some TNA because I was not in the mood to pay for any refreshments tonight.

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